All right so this is following the pretense of accident. It's gonna be an exploration of whatever comes alive for me.
We're just gonna go on a tour of my imagination - of whatever's on my screen - let go of all expectations, we're gonna let go of all agendas...I'm just gonna say yes to whatever arises, whatever captures my attention.

I'm surrounded by all of these books and all of these notes... the weight of all my ideas about how this is supposed to be. A YouTube video. A podcast. Just content in general.

I have so many beliefs so many rigid notions. It's a little bit of a straitjacket - a little bit of a weighted blanket or something. It feels safe and secure there.

I've noticed that having so many possibilities, so many options, so many ideas, seeing so many directions that's its own kind of straightjacket, even though the image in my mind is one of being pulled stretched out kind of losing my center having my bandwidth diffused, entirely diluted, it's still it's just the other extreme -too rigid or too flexible - really the same thing. The same experience just expressed differently.

So I surrender.

How many times have I said that? more than I can count.
I surrender to the fact that my energy is very low. I surrender to the fact that I'm unwilling - unwilling to choose what this is going to be right now...
That's not true I did choose. I chose to let it be whatever arises.

I've had a LOT of ideas.
I've thought about going on a survey the last 120 years.

I'm really interested in exploring how we got to now because I think what's happening in the world right now really does make sense.

I think that when we kind of you know soom out and appreciate how much has changed how quickly- not in all ways but in many ways certainly - if we were to you know plot the evolution of our species on a continuum and the the challenges the obstacles that we confronted over 1000s of years millions of years the challenge is and the way that we adapted there was kind of one narrative or not one narrative but there was there were certain categories that were suddenly upended with the rise of technology...

it's really interesting as I talk because is that exactly true?

It's really the other thing that's so interesting-we can't really make generalizations...I hate what im saying. I've spoken for almost 10 minutes now.
Might as well just pay attention, right? Observing and describing non judgmentally.
So emotions. let's talk about talking about my emotions right now.

Before I put labels on my emotions I just want to get present feel my feet on the floor I'm sitting on a heating pad because I'm freezing and so I feel warm under My legs feel the cool air across the tops of my hands feel the brightness of the screen penetrating my eyeballs I just lost track of what I was feeling I feel the corners of my mouth turning out and up as I smile right but go noticing this part of me that just is like called the inner critic we can call it like the judge whatever but I've always I won't say always but for as long as I can remember whenever I've started working on a project or something that's interesting or important to me. I I get once I start getting excited about it, I start getting really blowing it up in my mind.

My imagination moves fast. And I start to see, ah this is going to be big, this is going to be great.
And then the ideal me, and the real me it's moving further and further and further apart.
And there's huge anxiety there because my ideas keep getting bigger and bigger.

And then me, the real me starts getting really nervous and I'm just increasingly aware as my ideas get more and more grand, I'm more and more aware of that gap that's growing. So the anxiety also grows.

And my nervous system is freaking out.
Because because, you know the signal here is like 'Failure!' 'You're gonna bomb!' 'You're bad!', 'Feel shame'.

And the story is like 'you should just go hide under the table'.
But then there's this other thing, that's like 'But if you just do this', 'if you just kick ass where you think you can't, then you'll never have to hide under the table again'.

And it goes like this.

And then it's you know, take a step forward. And I'll think, 'Okay, we got this'. Something comes out of my mouth and I'm like, 'Nope, that sucked'.
Because, in my mind, you know, I'm virtuosic.
And then, man, judgment just escalates.
It's like, well, I cannot persist, I need to fix this it's really pretty embarrassing.

The shame monster gets louder and I start to dread showing up and doing the stuff because it feels so bad because, you know, I'm like, whoa, self, Why? Why do you want to humiliate yourself?
And I know it's just me...and me. But still...

All right, we've done some of that now what we're going to do is we're going to see what inspirational things I have left. I should save that.
Anyway, oops, I did not want to do that.
That's not what I meant to do.

So when you think about what it means to be 'willing to be human', what comes to mind?
I really think that for me it's about letting go of an agenda.
Letting go of any idea about how I am supposed to be doing things.

And yeah, I mean, it's human too. But like, right now. I'm not trying to get anything, right. Just talking. I gotta tell you, it is so much nicer than when I am trying to be good. I'm trying to be interesting. I'm trying to be - I don't know - anything.

And honestly there's this this whole thing that happens - from what I've observed in my life, where it's like, you know, it's dualistic thinking right? The second we decide that one way of being is good. Then you know, we know that means that the other ways of being, or another way of being, is bad.

So I mean, I can say that I suck the oxygen out of my life, a lot of times, just because I've decided ahead of time that certain things are unacceptable. And that's so sad.
You know sometimes I just think like all of these conversations about feelings, and ourselves, and all of that...it just makes us that much more....ugh.